[Ex-crew] France

Curley, Pol {RBS Wales} pol.curley at hmrc.gsi.gov.uk
Thu Jul 7 09:56:33 BST 2005


The Complete History of French Fighting Spirit

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose outcome foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly Lost. France is saved at last by a female
schizophrenic who inadvertently gives rise to the First Rule of French
Warfare: 'France's Armies will only be victorious when not lead by a
Frenchman'.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to lose two
wars when fighting against the Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 1-5-4 against the Hugenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed a tie. Francophiles the world over label the period the height
of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw more action. This is later known as the 'De Gaulle Syndrome' and leads
to the Second Rule of French Warfare: 'France only wins when the British and
the Americans do most of the fighting'.

French revolution - Won, primarily because the opponent was also French.

Napoleonic Wars - Lost, in spite of early victories being won by a Corsican
(remember the First Rule) who ended up being no match for a British footwear
designer.

Franco-Prussian War - Lost.

World War One - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
British and the Americans.

World War Two - Lost. Conquered and utterly humiliated France is saved by
the British and the Americans (for the second time in 30 years) just as the
French have learned the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost.

Algerian Revolution - Lost. This marks the first defeat of a Western 'army'
by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare: 'We can always beat the French'. By an astonishing
coincidence, this is identical to the First Rule of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
the Germans and Muslims at the earliest opportunity just to be safe.

2012 Olympics Decision - Lost. France blames everything on the 'dirty and
underhand tricks campaign' of the London bid, without realising the irony
inherent in that statement. 'Grown-up' French'men' weep in the streets as
thousands of tshirts head for the incinerators across the Land of Garlic and
Poor Moral Fibre


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