[Ex-crew] FW: Jokes for the day

Golder, Paul Paul.Golder at brake.co.uk
Mon Apr 7 12:26:51 BST 2003

> Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.A very attractive
> blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars  on a  single roll of
> the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel  much luckier when
> I'm completely nude."  With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled
> the dice and yelled,  "Mama  needs new clothes!"  Then she
> hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and  hugged
> each of the dealers.  With that she picked up all the money and clothes
> and quickly departed.  The  dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
> Finally, one of them  asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, I
> thought YOU were  watching!" Moral : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men
> are perverts
>  A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the ATO, excited
> to begin tracking down high-powered offenders. Anxious for his first
> high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when is assignment was to audit
> a Rabbi.  Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward,
> and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day
> interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I
> noticed that you buy a lot of candles."  "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
> "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.  "A
> good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
> have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
> then, they send us a free box of candles."  "Oh," replied the auditor
> somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical
> answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...  "Rabbi, what
> about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the
> matzo?"
>   "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
> crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back
> to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo
> balls."  "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the
> Rabbi.  "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
> from the circumcisions?"  "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the
> Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough
> we actually send them to the Australian Taxation Office (ATO)"  "The
> ATO?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.  "Ahh, yes," replied the
> Rabbi, "the ATO. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick
> like you.
>    Words of Wisdom
>    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>    Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
> because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liveforever,
> but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
>    --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
>    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
> world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like   that,but
> not with all those flies and death and stuff."  --Mariah Carey
>    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
> your life,"  --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
> for federal anti-smoking campaign.
>    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
>    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
> in the country,"  --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
>    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
> the president,"  --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
> documents.
>    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,and
> I'm just the one to do it,"  --A congressional candidate in Texas.
>    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
> There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
> were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."  --John Wayne
>    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."    --Philadelphia Phillies
> manager,Danny Ozark
>    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
> in our air and water that are doing it."  --Al Gore, Vice President
>    "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do   we
> need?"    --Lee Iacocca
>    "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein,"    --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports
> analyst.
>    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people,"    --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
>    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."    --Bill Clinton,
> President
>    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."  -Al
> Gore, VP
>    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> --Keppel Enderbery
>    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
> received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
> if there is a change in your circumstances."  Department of Social
> Services,  Greenville, South Carolina
>    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
> they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout thenight. And
> the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."  Mark S.
> Fowler,  FCC Chairman
>    Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I
> am doing

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